Ripples

It's been nearly five years since I found out that my husband is gay. Well, should I say, my former husband ... my children's father. Funny, isn't it, how we deny what's right in our face? As my daughter said to me not long ago: "Mom, your gaydar has been broken for a really long time."

Like many of the several million women who discover that their spouse is gay or bisexual, I found out sort of like Chinese water torture -- drop by painful drop. That is, until the day that my entire world imploded and my random questions and online searches finally bore painful, poisonous fruit.

Within 18 months we were divorced. With the house of cards collapsed, there was no room for civility or rationale behavior. We both behaved badly at times, but his anger at being found out was immense. He realized that he had played with fire for a very long time and had deluded himself that either I was so stupid or he was so clever that he would never be caught. Unlike some former spouses, we really can't be friends. He's uncomfortable being around me and I don't particularly care for being around him.

Beside being gay, he's promiscuous. He lies. He gets off on having a double, triple or quadruple life. He's been through two long-term boyfriends that I know of and each of them broke it off with him because of his infidelity and verbal abuse. Sounds familiar. Additionally, he's narcissistic.

It's difficult for me to separate what is his sexuality and what is his pathology. In his case, they may be inexorably intertwined.

I can remember telling my children when they were young that their actions always would have an effect on other people, and to consider what they chose to do by how that choice would impact themselves and others. Now, five years later, my former spouse still considers me the "bad guy" in the relationship and blames me for his financial problems and more. It's curious to me how this could be. I've worked hard and repaired my credit and bought a townhouse. He's still overdrawing his bank account and living in a ratty $600 a month apartment in a not-so-great part of town, while earning $90K+ in his job. I know this because our son, unfortunately, lives with him right now and makes the occasional comment.

So, the ripples continue. I watch on the sidelines as my former husband -- the person I thought was my confidant, my lover and my best friend -- devolves. In the past year he's wrecked his car, been diagnosed with secondary syphillis and broken up with his boyfriend. On the plus side, he came out to our children and is living a more integrated life in terms of being truthful with them. When will the ripples stop for him? I hope they do. As for me, the ripples continue, too. I still wonder why I married him when there were red flags galore. I wonder why I didn't leave him early on when he was verbally and emotionally abusive -- forget the sexuality. All the counseling and 12-step groups I've participated in, the immense emotional growth I've experienced and still I struggle. The ripples continue.