Family history

I reconnected with my ex-sister-in-law this week courtesy of Facebook.  We hadn't talked for something like six or seven years.  I think the last time I saw her was when I went to her father's funeral.  We talked about our kids and the usual.  But then we got down to the really interesting stuff.

My sister-in-law (we'll call her J) is quite a lot younger than I am.  She married my ex's youngest brother when she was just 16 and he was 18.  Yes, she was pregnant.  They had met in elementary school and he was quite the charmer then, as well as an entrepreneur.  Sadly, things do change; today he's on disability and is addicted to a variety of substances, most of them illegal.

I told her the Reader's Digest version of my story ... the suspicions and the final outing of my ex.  She listened intently and then she said, "I guess I'm not surprised."  I told her about how my ex's aunt, before she passed away, talked to me about how the entire family had been positive that my ex was gay from the time he was 8 or 9 years old -- and how they all breathed a collective sigh of relief when we got married.  

J and I talked about all the red flags we had seen before our respective marriages.  Granted, she was a baby having a baby, but she said she was always afraid of her ex, even when they were dating.  He tried to control her, and the attempts to control escalated into the marriage until there was violence.  This sounded a bit familiar, too -- the control and the abuse.

And then she told me about the porn.  She told me about when they were first married and incredibly broke, and yet her ex would somehow find the money to rent VHS tapes of porn and make her watch them with him.  She said they made her feel dirty, but there was the fear, again, of standing up to him.

This time, it was my turn to be shocked and yet not surprised.  Some time ago, my ex confessed to a huge porn problem stemming from the time he was a young kid.  Apparently the family of origin was rather careless with their "entertainment" and sometimes left things lying around the house.  Could create some curiosity as well as desensitivity, leading to the desire for more and "better" stimuli.

Sex was a big deal in that house.  While the kids weren't provided with the "facts of life," there was the porn, as well as randy parties with other couples, lots of off-color comments and jokes and then, there was their mother.  J and I talked about that, too.  As the story goes, the mother-in-law was raped by her younger brother-in-law.  J wonders, as do I, if it was really rape, or more a Mrs. Robinson kind of thing, as the younger brother-in-law was about 16 when this supposedly happened.  This is the same guy, by the way, who molested my ex when he was a child.  And later, this uncle's son was arrested for sexually assault and attempted murder.  He has a life sentence in the state penitentiary.

What J doesn't know is that her ex is actually my ex's half-brother, because their mother got pregnant from another man.  This was confirmed by my ex's aunt and was one of the big family secrets.  

No, I am not making this up.

The issue here isn't so much with sexual orientation, as it is with sexual addiction.  My former brother-in-law (straight) is a sex addict.  My ex (gay) is a sex addict.  It's fair to assume that the middle brother is, too, given his track record.

The real tragedy of this all is, again, our children.  And grandchildren.  J has several grands already, even though she's still in her 40s.  None of them have a relationship with their granddad.  Her kids have taken her maiden name and dropped their father's surname.  My kids have talked about doing the same.  They are all ashamed and they are angry at their fathers.  What a horrible legacy.

In the Old Testament, there is mention of generational curses on families.  While I'm not owning that for me and my kids (or J and her's!) I must admit that there is something that rings true about the curse of addiction and dysfunction, whatever the type.

That's why even while I vent and process, today all I can change is me.  So, I pray:

God, grant me the serenity
 to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.